The summer holidays are now drawing to a close, and for many parents this brings a sigh of relief that the children are returning to school and the family can now get back into a routine which has been missing since the end of the summer term. Those six weeks (or longer!) can for many parents feel like a huge jigsaw puzzle they are desperately trying to complete, deciding what to do with their children while they continue to work. And for parents who don’t work, they can feel the pressure of spending all day with their children while trying to keep them stimulated and happy.
Here, Counsellor Claire Acfield of The Female Health Clinic talks about parental burnout, a phenomena characterised by mental and physical exhaustion and decreased sense of fulfillment and self-efficacy.
Claire also offers guidance on recognising the signs of being “burnt out” and provides some helpful coping mechanisms to offer support.
Parental burnout is a common phenomena in today’s society. More and more is expected of us as parents, in terms of what we provide and the money we spend on our children to keep them entertained, while potentially juggling a career and a relationship with our partner too.
There are many plates to spin and often it can feel like these are smashing and we are not doing a good enough job.
If we have more than one child we may feel the pressure to keep each of them equally happy, and parents of only children may worry that their child is lonely if they don’t make extensive plans to see friends.
Parental burnout occurs when the demands of family life overtake everything else and we find ourselves with little or no time to manage our own wellbeing.
Expectations feel high for parents today, especially when we compare ourselves to other families on social media going on amazing holidays and seemingly countless exciting days out. I remember being young and enjoying time off school, but a lot of the holidays consisted of spending time at home and
sometimes being bored. And that was OK! I survived!
The pressure today to try to avoid our children being bored is immense, and this can lead to us as parents feeling exhausted and under financial strain.
Burnout can occur whatever age your children are.
Tiny children are physically demanding in a way that older ones aren’t. But parents of older children will tell you that these are the “taxi years” when you seem to spend evenings and weekends constantly driving them to activities and social events.
Signs of parental burnout
Signs of parental burnout may include feelings of exhaustion and extreme overwhelm, which can manifest in different ways. We may feel tearful or angry, or become quiet and moody, and feel the need to retreat for some much-needed alone time.
It may include feelings of disconnection from our children which can be guilt-inducing, but after spending so much time together this is a natural response.
We may find it harder to sleep or to get up in the morning, and we may notice a loss of appetite or that we are overeating, often as a quick energy fix.
When we are tired everything feels harder. How often have we thought: “I just need another day in the week to get everything done”? Often the mental load falls primarily to one parent, especially if their partner is the family’s breadwinner.
Feeling unappreciated and undervalued can lead to feelings of resentment. This role of cook/taxi driver/shopper/cleaner/PA/nurse is unpaid and the hours are far longer than any 9-5 role!
If one parent is expected to pick up the slack for all of this without recognition of the physical and mental labour involved, then anger and frustration can build up until it all boils over. This can lead to confrontation and discord
within the family.
Help for parental burnout
The first step to dealing with parenting burnout is to try to be kind to ourselves. Being a parent is tough. It is important that we recognise this and to value and celebrate all the time, energy, love and care that we give to our children. We are all doing the best we can in our own way, and feeling guilty or giving ourselves a hard time for not being “good enough” is not constructive,
although very easily done!
We must remember that social media doesn’t tend to show the unpleasant bits of every-day life which we all deal with. Every family has difficult times, but the photos and videos you see have been carefully curated to show them at their sparkling best. If you find there are certain social media accounts which leave you feeling down then feel free to use the unfollow button liberally!
Speaking honestly to other members of your family about how you are feeling can help them to see your point of view, and this can be a starting point to making positive changes. Try to do this at a time when none of you are tired and grumpy, and use sentences such as: “when x happens it makes me feel y” rather than more accusatory language describing what someone has (or
perhaps hasn’t!) done.
Carving time out for yourself where at all possible, to do something you really enjoy which isn’t connected to parenting, can make a world of difference. It can help you to remember your own identity, and that you are not just an extension of those around you. Explain to other family members that this is a necessity for you, not just something which would be nice to have. It is very easy to let self-care slip by saying: “I don’t have time for that”, but making time and
asking others to take on some of your workload is vital.
Seeing a counsellor can be invaluable as a way of talking through your feelings in a non-judgemental environment. Putting your thoughts into words can help to untangle what may feel like a jumbled mess in your head. The phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” is much used but also very true. If we aren’t taking care of ourselves in the first instance then we won’t be able
to take care of our family in the way we would like to. Counselling is a space where you can be recognised for who you are, not simply a parent or a spouse.
It can help you learn to set boundaries with other people, and to recognise that it is important to say no sometimes for our own mental well-being.
Of course our children’s needs must be met, but their needs are not more important than our own. If we as parents can remember that, then hopefully we can become slightly less crabby, irritable and exhausted and enjoy family time that bit more.
And the fact that you have reached the end of a blog on parenting burnout shows that you care and are engaged with this topic, which is a huge tick as a starting point.
I hope you found the blog useful. Speak soon, Claire
What happens when you see Claire Acfield – Female Health Clinic Counsellor
Claire is available for face-to-face appointments at our Hartley Wintney clinic or online.
The first step would be to schedule a complimentary 30-minute video call with Claire to learn more about counselling and determine whether it is suitable for you.
Call 01252 915333 or email info@thefemalehealthclinic.co.uk to arrange this.
Each session is 50 minutes long and takes place weekly. Counselling at the Female Health Clinic is suitable for men and women aged 18 or over who feel they may benefit from sharing their thoughts and emotions in a private, non-judgmental environment.
The sessions are open-ended, which means you can continue attending weekly until you decide it’s the right time to finish.
